Panicking Is Overrated: A Dragon Age SI
by Eviloply Joberns
Summary: Tired of Mary Sue Self inserts? So am I. Ever tried writing an realistic SI? It's bloody hard! So I did it anyway! In this SI watch as a bloke with no combat or survival training gets his arse handed to him multiple times. All for the amusement of some very apathetic gods. Rated T for naughty words. BETA READER NEEDED!
1. Chapter 1

Panicking Is Overrated: A Dragon Age SI

Chapter 1

AN:Bloody Mass Vexations. Putting ideas in my head. Darn you! Still let's hope I can do something readable for once!

Disclaimer. I own very little. Including the Dragon Age IP. But just so ya' know. Dragon Age belongs to Bioware. I only own the characters created for this Fic.

The thing about being unconscious is that it can be quite a bit like sleep. Unlike sleep however you often end up with the kind of headache that can split mountains. Oh, and sometimes you'll end up waking up in a place that, for whatever reason, isn't all that familiar.

Like damp soil for instance. Perhaps even the stuff I found myself peeling off of. My eyes snapped open and I tried to shift around, looking for some idea of where I was. Sunlight streamed in from between the leaves on trees, birds chirped an allegedly merry tune. I didn't feel particularly merry though. I clambered off of the soil, bits clung to my skin and the dressing gown I was wearing. I managed to rub a large quantity of dirt off of my face. I looked around. When I went to sleep last night I was in my bed. Now I wasn't. I must have resembled a rabbit caught by a fox. I saw that I was in some kind of forest. The chirping birds and very tall trees gave it away. I didn't feel particular clever for finding out that I somehow ended up in a bloody forest of all places.

"Bugger" I said to myself, trying to calm down.

No shit, I thought to myself. At this point I started to panic with thoughts of where I was and how exactly I got there. Somehow, I thought, somehow despite the fact I can't remember touching or being of an age to drink alcohol, I must have gone on some kind of massive monopoly crawl type bender and then maybe I crawled over to that soil pile to fall into a drunken sleep. Yeah that was it, there was a problem with that theory. I didn't know anything about alcohol so I couldn't say if that was what would actually happen had I gone on a drunken lord, even my own asinine bullshit couldn't-

"Raaaaaaaugh"!

A roar bellowed out directly in front of me interrupting my thoughts (the inconsiderate bastards). The ground shook and heaved as something, for it could only be a thing, heaved and stomped some distance away. I couldn't see it however and the roar sounded unfamiliar, I couldn't place it. Dread creeped up my spin. Flowery language aside I decided that evidently the best course was to make like a chicken and bolt (bravely of course) as fast as my feet could take me. Which, considering the well rounded bulge of my stomach and the generally unhealthy state of my body (Damn you Walkers Crisps! Stop being so delectable.) wasn't very far. I ran to a nearby cave and panted, out of breath near the mouth of the cave.

"It's alright" I consoled myself " I'm just in some kind of animal enclosure with some kind of roaring Jaguar-Dinosaur-Thing or whatever that thing sounded like" I said with an ironic laugh.

It was then that it hit me.

Somehow I was at least a few miles away from home. With no way to get back. I had no survival skills, frankly I didn't know how to deal with being anywhere but the inside of my bedroom playing video games. Yes, I am a completely sad individual. That meant that in all instances and scenarios I was in the words of many a great man, quite fucked.

I became very sweaty despite the cold. I was panicking, I very practically decided to build a fire. Which was very hard considering I had no idea how to build one. I checked myself over. I was wearing a dark blued dressing gown, along with some thin black boxer shorts. Not very practical for survival in a forest. The cave whispered with the wind gently and I could see the sun darkening and fading into the night like a slowly fading flame. I kept thinking that it was some kind of miracle that this cave wasn't inhabited by some kind of vicious evil breed of mutant rats or something (if they even existed).

I was relatively speaking fine until I heard a kind of gurgling raspy breath. You know what I said early about being fucked? Well, yeah.

Something began to run towards me. It was shaped like a man. That was all I could make out as it savagely tackled me. We tumbled to the ground of the cave. It was trying to viciously claw at my face. I backed up to the wall of the cave and tried to look at my assailant while dodging its hands. I found myself looking at the rotting features of a Darkspawn Hurlock. I couldn't even think about the audacity of the situation, everything blurred while I was trying to dodge this fictional thing's claws to stop him from disfiguring my admittedly already ugly face. I felt too shocked to actually be shocked. His hands snapped at me like a crab, he was trying to grab my face.

I was still on the ground as I flailed about wildly. Something must of clicked in my head because one of my panicked flails ended up punching him in his eyebrow, it must have been a lucky punch because his eyebrow split apart like a puss filled boil. The blood poured everywhere, I was covered in blood. The thing didn't care about the pain and kept trying to reach for my face. Blood dripped from the face of this monstrosity but still it persisted. On pure reflex I quickly moved my head back. I was not pleased when my head banged into the rock wall behind me. I was suddenly very dizzy. Everything seemed muted and muffled and all I wanted to do was sleep. I tried to crawl away but the Darkspawn clawed at my back and tore my dressing gown from my body. My vision was blurred from the blood of the Darkspawn covering my eyes. I kicked and struggled but it didn't help. Suddenly a black blur I couldn't make out tackled the Darkspawn. I heard a sound that was somehow familiar but I couldn't place it. I could suddenly smell burnt flesh. My eyes became heavy. I was dizzier then ever. and then everything was black.

AN2: I wouldn't normally do this but something amazing has come to my attention. I would just like to take a moment of your time to point out an awesome Vidya' Game that needs your money. Consortium is a weird and wonderful mix of Mass Effect, Omikron:the Nomad Soul, and The Last Express. It desperately needs $3000 to reach it's $50'000 goal. projects/idgi/consortium-0


	2. Chapter 2

A/N:Edited after realising a really obvious mistake that had to be pointed out by a PM. I'm a bloody Idiot.

I snapped my eyes open. The cave was still, there was no sign of my would-be saviour. The body of the (until now) fictional character was laid bare before me. Taunting me with it's impossible existence I tried to get up but was stopped by a burning feeling in my chest. I checked myself for wounds but found none save for the dark, sticky blood covering me. And then I remembered

"Oh shit" I said to myself dread creeping down my brain and into my features. From what I could remember from the Dragon Age video game, Anything a Darkspawn touches and even it's own blood is infected with the blight. If blight infection touches something the infection spreads. I was infected with Darkspawn blood, had no idea where I was, and would probably die and turn into a rage zombie thing.

Not a typical Tuesday by any means.

"Buggering fuck!" I shouted to the world I found myself in. No, I thought to myself, No. I can get through this.

First I had to get up though. That was easier said than done. My legs were stiff and aching.

I finally managed to drag myself up the burning feeling in my chest had spread to my limbs and every step felt like a personal agony. I managed to get past the mouth of the cave into the forest I was in earlier. I walked towards the top of a near by hill and peered down it. The side facing the cave was quite solid ground covered in grass but the side I was facing was a flat edge that led into the distance down below. I panted out of breath yet again. A quick glance around told me that I was now in the late afternoon. The sun was lazily trying to fade over the horizon it was actually quite –

"Raaaugh!"

A Darkspawn Ogre busted out from some trees, shattering tree trunks and sending wood chippings fleeing in various directions. It glanced at me and time slowed down. Seeing it's next meal, the Ogre grabbed one of the shattered tree trunks. It threw it in my general direction but missed as I limped away quickly. The Ogre grew angry and started beating it's fists into the ground before charging.

I tried leaped out of the way, somehow I managed to go further then I thought. I rolled to ground and landed on some hard rocks. I felt a thumping feeling in my veins. It was rythmic. Telling me what to do. the ogre was now teetering over the edge of the cilff I had stood on. I looked around and found a discarded Darkspawn spear. I already had the taint so a little more couldn't hurt. Somewhere my brain registered this insanity and that fact that the cliff would probably lead to my death. The rythmic thumping became a mumble. I was dead anyway so insanity was allowed. I picked up the spear, sweat was greasing my palms and I felt the full weight of the weapon. The rough wood of it's handle dug into my hands and despite my total lack of training with any kind of weapon, I charged…

I ran, hard as my feet could take me and plunged my spear into the Ogre before he had a chance to retaliate. It made a wet popping noise has it breached the Ogre's torso. I held on very tightly and used the momentum from my run to push the Ogre off of the cliff. He began to stumble teetering on the edge but still trying to club me with his enormous hands. Suddenly I felt what seemed to be a cannon ball in my gut. I let go of the spear and fell over feeling like I had acid throughout my bloodstream. Existence itself seemed to hurt as my own blood clawed at me from inside my body. The ogre recovered quickly and I was in no position to put up any kind of defence. I could hear and feel music growing in my head like a plant. This is it, I kept thinking. This is fucking it. I'm dead, screw it all I'm dead.

"No", said the song in my head. It was at once a siren call and the worst music Justin Bieber could make. I felt something bubble to the surface. My mind dimmed. Rage, all I could feel was rage and malice. I wanted to fight, to win. I felt stronger, I ran at the ogre again. and _Stared_ at it. It began to claw at it's neck and gurgle. The ogre levitated off of the ground blood pouring out of it's pours, and into me. I felt nourished as the liquid ambrosia was absorbed into my skin. I felt it's power calling to me and I wanted more. I was angry and I didn't want to be weak. With a wave of my hand I reduced the Ogre to bleached bone still gurgling and clutching at what remained of it's face. The song was now a drum beat and it kept drumming, kept egging me on. I now knew -

That was my last thought as I felt a human sized fist connect with my face and I blacked out again.

My heart started beating in my chest and I felt something moving through my veins. This was at odds with the fact that I was currently sprawled on the ground. I opened my eyes again and knew I was somewhere different. I looked around and saw I was in a hovel of some kind. It was fairly ramshackle with lopsided windows and wooden walls along with the -

"Awake at last, I suppose eviscerating an Ogre would do that to a lesser man. You however"

Oh for fuck's sake can people stop interrupting my thoughts for one min - Hang on! I knew that voice.

"Flemeth?" I said surprisingly, looking to the old damnable hag.

For a fraction of a second she seemed surprised before moving into a sly grin and speaking

"Ah I see you know of me, Your tales speak of me do they?" she said in an irritatingly mocking tone _That made me want to rip her head off and devour her soul!_

I recoiled from my thoughts. I actually thought that? That blood! What did it do to me? I had to find answers. I picked myself off of the dirt floor of the hovel. The best way to find answers was to talk to people. Which I was never all that good at.

"Um, yeah I suppose" I said awkwardly. Oh real smooth, me. I was never good at talking to people. That was the problem with having Aspergers I suppose.

Flemeth bellowed a hearty cackle.

"Ah, you seem to think supposed and reckoning and the like are enough, how cute" she stated in that wistful tone of her's.

"it's very complicated" I said defensively.

Another thought occurred to me.

"So, you must of been the one to punch me out".

That seemed to get her attention. She moved towards me

"That power you used was fuelled by the taint. You were able to control one of the most horrifying things ever created on Thedas since my Daughter's cooking.

I was livid. This was all a joke to her?

" Tell me what the fuck happened now _Or I devour you_!" I demanded angrily. The hut began to shake violently. The thumping returned. I felt the song in my head.

Flemeth's response was simple. Smiling sweetly she launched a fireball from her hand that launched me through the left side wall of her hut. I smashed into the ground bellow. Causing a Me sized crater.

Flemeth busted out from the door of the hovel. Her eyes glowed bright yellow. she began to speak, never dropping that sickly sweet smile.

"I do not know your power, boy. But do not make demands of me for I am far wiser. And evidently I am also able to control my anger. Stop this now or I will end you"

_How dare she try to subdue me I should - _not do anything! Dear lord those thoughts were getting harder to control. I tried to stop myself but the nausea from before returned. I doubled over clutching my stomach around about the time I started belching a viscous black liquid.

"Much as I expected boy. The blight is still killing you despite your new found powers and cantankerous attitude." Flemeth smiled slyly before speaking again " I doubt you know what is happening to your body. It would be fun to watch but I have a job to do" She snickered at some inside joke. Everything was a joke to Flemeth.

"Why am I here?" I asked in fustration "I..."

I was lost for words. I was somehow being taunted by a until recently fictional character. In my boxers I might add. vomiting some tar like substance. The nausea seemed to clear off a bit. I rubbed the perspiration from my head and tried to right my posture

"You...have a job? Who from?" I meekly asked, my interest obvious

"I know not, That's the frustrating thing, more so than those rats who keep finding a way into my food stores." Flemeth started pacing around as if pondering something "There are powers at work greater than even I and they have seen fit to play games with you from what I understand." she very dramatically pointed at me as if I was the centre of the universe.

"Games? I'm just a joke to some omnipotent being. Lovely, I'm sure it involved a poker game between Q, Tzeentch, and Death." I deadpanned. Poorly. Dear lord my life got fucked up quick, I thought to myself.

"Are they deities from where you hail? What interesting names. You worship a letter, sneezing and Dying. Fascinating. But Irrelevant for now I'm only here to get you on your way" There Flemeth was again in that falsely sweet tone that meant she knew more than I did about my predicament. Sod her! I knew in the damn video game _that I sunk a blade through her head when she was a dragon and shall enjoy - _Bunnies and Kittens! No slaughter, _yet. _The anger built in me.

"Dear lord. I need to sort this stuff out!" I shouted to the world itself

"Boy!" Flemeth shouted back "Control yourself." Flemeth barked in a very stern voice. She then smiled sweetly again. "I have just the thing. I'm told you are in some way familiar with this world. So.."

Ah shit. I knew what was coming.

"Grey Wardens. Isn't it? Closest thing to a blight cure is the Joining." I facepalmed. Sighed, then tried to be assertive "Well you're shit out of luck because I'm not a fighter. Got my arse handed to me by a Darkspawn. I don't know how to use a sword. So I'm not -"

Flemeth interjected "Yes, you are."

I heard a poof. Then I was falling to the ground again.


	3. Chapter 3

A/N: Thank you Wyolake for putting my story in the Steppin' on It In Thedas community group!

I felt very heavy. I could hear mumbled voices around me and not much else. I was on something soft. I wanted to stay, to -

I felt a hard slap across my face. I opened my eyes and found myself peering into the eyes of a balding middle aged man. Scars covered one side of his face _Warrior, A Warrior who defiles me I should - _Give him a big hug because I am a loving man with *no* violent tendencies. I tried to wiggle around on the bed I found myself on. It was then I realised I was firmly held on the bed by very strong ropes tied around my body.

"Hey, mate don't you think this is a tad excessive?" I sarcastically said

The scared man looked at me with his dark beetle eyes and replied.

In gibberish.

That made no sense I could talk to Flemeth fine. This was odd.

Okay, time to panic.

"Fuck, fuck, fuck. I'm about to be raped by a slaphead with scars!" I shouted to no one in particular.

I couldn't communicate with my would be kidnappers. They could decide to kill me and i wouldn't even be able to know about it. Bugger!

The Scared Man tried to communicate with me. I couldn't understand what he was saying so he resorted to using hand gestures. They didn't help either. The Scared Man spoke again, then he seemed to have an idea. he opened his palm. Probably telling me to wait. He rushed out of the room. I waited for a while. I had no way to check the time. After a while he returned dragging along someone in a dark purple robed man had a very sour expersion on his face and seemed to be bickering. The Scared Man gestured to the other man. I noticed the staff in the other man's hand. A Mage. The other man stomped over to me. He looked me in the eyes then raised his staff and did some gestures. I felt a flash of light in my mind. Then a flash headache.

"Gordon Bennet, that hurt!" I shouted to the two miscreants.

The mage retained his irritated face. "There. It is done. I'm leaving." said the Mage in his irritated tone. And so he did.

What the - now they speak English?

"You gave us quite a scare friend . Dropping out of the sky like that" said the Scared Man firmly.

"Uh, well . I have no idea how I got here mate. I just woke up here on this bed." I meekly replied

The Scared man nodded his head. He then took a nearby chair and sat next to me.

"I won't lie you're in a very awkward position right now. You dropped out of the sky, landed on me, reeking of the Blight I might add and until one of our mages performed a translation spell you spoke a foreign language." The Scared Man seemed reasonable. He paused for a moment, thinking of what to say next.

"Many would assume you are some new variety of Darkspawn sent to kill us all. Many are stupid enough to believe that."

"And what about you? Who are you? Where the bloody hell am I?" I asked.

The Scared Man snickered "You are in the room of an Inn we have been renting. As for who I am, I am Marcellus of the Grey Wardens of Fereldan. And I think you are a scared boy caught up in something you don't understand The fact that you can speak at all despite your blight infested body is proof enough." Marcellus gave me an encouraging smile. and patted me on the shoulder.

I sighed a sigh of relief. "Dear lord you don't know the half of it. I assume you want to know how I got here?"

Marcellus gave a curt nod. "Indeed, ah, let me untie you ." Marcellus quickly made short work of the knots holding me to the bed.

After the knots were untied I experimentally wiggled my various limbs.

"Right" I stated firmly. "It's a long fucking story. Well..."

I spent the next thirty minutes trying to articulate just what had happened in the maddening chain of events that had lead me to Marcellus. I decided to omit the whole "dimension traveller" thing as the last thing I wanted was for the one reasonable person here to think I was mad (An increasingly likely possibility to be honest)

" - and then the evil hag poofed me over to where I must of landed on you. Er - sorry about that by the way." I said sheepishly.

Marcellus did that polite nod that was starting to become characteristic of him in my mind.

"Ah!" Marcellus smirked. "You fell out of the air and gave quite a fright to my fellow Wardens. We found the whole thing quite disconcerting. It's good to have that fear out of our minds"

I rubbed the back of my neck awkwardly.

"Is that why the mage from before was so grumpy?" I asked, embarrassed beyond belief.

Marcellus shook his head then rubbed at his temples in obvious annoyance.

" No, no. He's always been a cankerous sod. But he's a good friend and a loyal Grey Warden."

This was one awkward conversation. Not helped by the fact that my word be Jailors did not see fit to provide me with clothes. I was still sporting the now completely soaked boxers I arrived here with. I needed to find a way to get my bearings here.

"So?" I queried in that awkward tone of mine. Bloody hell, that was weak. This is the problem with having Aspergus. I just don't know how to talk to other people all that well. Add to that the whole plaything of arsehole gods and I'm pretty much fucked.

"So what?"

"I need to - like, not...die, I suppose. I'm no Fighter but it looks like..." I didn't know what to the hell do you say "I need to join the Grey Wardens or I die" Who the hell decided it would be a good idea to put *me* in a dangerous situation like this. I am a fat, aspergic, neurotic, coward. My dyspraxia ensures I'm crap at fighting. There is *nothing* that can convince these people that I could be a worthy warden. That's it. I was going to die here. A chew toy to some unseen force. My head throbbed. All these people would do is laugh me off. Just like everybody else in my life. They'd call me a retard because I was different, they'd...

Dear lord did I do that?

I looked around the room. suddenly realising that my mental rant caused the room I was in to violently shake. This caused the chair Marcellus had just got up out of to break. There were visible cracks in the wooden walls of the room. I was going to have to explain that.

Luckily I started vomiting up black tar again. It fucking hurt. Martellus looked concerned.

"You can't really control your powers, can you?" Marcellus's face was blank. He was just confirming facts .

I nodded. Unable to speak from the fear of this cold voice.

"It is powered by the blight. That is why you reek of it. It stains you worse the many of the stronger breeds of Darkspawn."

Marcellus sighed.

"But you are not a Warden. Whatever power you have is slowly killing you. Correct?"

No use lying. This was it. I was probably going to die. I nodded my head.

"Then I have no choice." Marcellus's tone was flat. I had no idea about what was about to happen.

"But to train you so you may have a chance at the Joining."

Dafuq?


	4. Chapter 4

I retired to the same room I vandalised. It had been around about 2 months since Marcellus was deluded into thinking I had any martial ability. Marcelllus was true to his word however and hadn't given up. Kept mumbling about "potential" or some hogwash. I nursed a bruised rib and reflected on the insanity that had become my life. I still hadn't told Marcellus about my unique entrance to his world.

"Fuck it all." I mumbled to myself in frustration as I groaned in pain.

I disrobed out of the splint mail given to me by Marcellus . I lied down on the bed and closed my eyes. Sleep came soon after.

Then shit happened.

I snapped my eyes open and found myself in a Park of some type. I looked around confusingly.

"Oh fucking hell, Where have I ended up now?" I hissed.

"Don't worry." Said a voice. "You're dreaming, oh and nice choice of landscape."

I turned to look at the direction the voice was coming from and found a man in a business suit sitting on a park bench reading a newspaper.

"Come, sit. You must have questions. I can't answer all of them I'm afraid." The man spoke with a warm voice. It seemed designed to put me at ease.

Time seemed to skip a few pages because I found myself sitting on the bench with my ankle resting on my leg

"Who are you?" I asked. I seemed to be in a constant state of confusion.

"Tony " he said without missing a beat.

"Tony? Your name is Tony?"

" I've had this conversation before" Tony stated in an annoyed tone. "I believe a man has the right to be called whatever they want to be called. That especially goes for you." Tony smiled enigmatically

"Uh. Okay, Tony it is." I scratched the back of my head. This was a strange dream.

"So what do - "

"Actually, I changed my mind. How about Richard?"

"For fuck sake! Call yourself what you want to just say what you have to say" I crossed my arms. I was getting quite frustrated.

"To business then. I've been brought along to nudge you on the right path and - "

"Wait. What path?" I interrupted with a hiss

"One you'll never know about until after you finish it. Stop interrupting me. Anyway I reckon you should keep focusing on sword play."

"I'm crap at it though."

Richard smiled again.

"You'll get better at it, you'll see for yourself soon enough."

Richard dusted himself off. and sat up.

"One last thing. Never think you're the only one to come across. There are others. Maybe you'll even find them."

I suddenly remembered something and hoped I was wrong.

"Okay, do you have a real name?" I said hoping he wouldn't.

" Not really. But everyone refers to me by a name you might be familiar with."

I swallowed a large lump.

"What name" I said fearfully.

Richard smiled again. "SCP 990. Oh , I think I hear the signal."

I shat bricks

"What signal"

"Your wake up call"

My eyes snapped open just as a hand clamped on my mouth.


End file.
